Therapy

Research suggests couples wait around six years from the point a problem becomes serious to the point they seek help. Six years is a long time to practise the patterns you are then trying to undo. It is not too late, but earlier is genuinely easier.

—   The same argument, endlessly, with no resolution

—   Communication that has become defensive, contemptuous or silent

—   Infidelity — recent or long past and never properly dealt with

—   Rebuilding trust after a betrayal of any kind

—   Loss of physical or emotional intimacy

—   Conflict about parenting, money, in-laws or division of labour

—   One partner's depression, anxiety, trauma or addiction affecting both

—   Life transitions — a new baby, a move, retirement, an empty house

—   Not knowing whether to stay

Naming the modality is only useful if you also say what it means, so:

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) looks at the attachment need underneath the argument. Most repeated conflicts are not really about the dishwasher — they are one person asking "do I matter to you" and the other hearing "you are failing." EFT interrupts that cycle and helps couples reach for each other instead of defending. Dave Lindlbauer, MS Ed., LPCC is trained in EFT for couples.

Gottman-informed work focuses on the observable mechanics of a relationship — how conflict starts, whether repair attempts land, the ratio of positive to negative interaction — and on building friendship and shared meaning rather than only reducing conflict.

Communication and conflict work is practical: how to raise something without an attack, how to hear something without a defence, how to stop a conversation before it goes over the edge, and how to come back to it.

Rhonda Montavon, MSEd. also offers couples and marriage counseling with a focus on communication, intimacy and parenting struggles.

That is a legitimate thing to bring to couples counseling, and you do not need to have decided before you come. Some couples use therapy to rebuild. Some use it to work out what they want. Some conclude that separating is the right outcome, and reach it with far less damage than they would have otherwise — which matters enormously when there are children involved.

If you do get to that point, we are one of the very few practices in the Twin Ports that can support the next step in-house. Our divorce mediation service is delivered by mediators who are certified Rule 114 Court Qualified Neutrals on the Minnesota Supreme Court Roster, and it is a far less destructive and far less expensive route than litigation. Your therapist will not push you toward it, and your couples counselor will not be your mediator.

If there is ongoing physical violence, intimidation or coercive control in your relationship, joint counseling can be unsafe — it can be used against the person at risk after the session ends. Please tell us, or contact a domestic violence advocate. In the Twin Ports, Safe Haven Shelter & Resource Center is a place to start.

FAQ